I WISH I HAD KNOWN

Anfal, a rich young girl, sat
waiting impatiently at the
doctor’s clinic to get the
results of a medical test. She
was in a hurry to attend a party
and feared she might be late
for her appointment with the
hairdresser. She never thought
the result would be anything
important. It was just a
precaution insisted upon by her
family. She had never suffered
any serious illness, apart from
the odd ache in her never
suffered any serious illness,
apart from the odd ache in her
limbs. Then, it was her turn to
see the doctor. She hurried
inside to get it over with as
quickly as possible. She was
surprised to see the doctor look
sad and concerned as he asked,
“Is this yours?”
She answered, “No, it is my
daughter’s.”
She wanted to know the truth
and thought that perhaps he
would hide the truth, if she
told him it was her own. He
asked her to have a seat, so she
sat feeling somewhat afraid.
She looked at him anxiously, as
he said,“Why did not you
send a man to get the
results?”
Anfal said, “It was on my way
so there was no need to send
someone else.”The doctor
looked sadly at her and said,
“You seem to be an educated
girl. You understand the nature
of life.”He stopped talking,
and she began to tremble.
She asked, “What do you
mean doctor?”The doctor
said, “The result indicates that
there is a blood disease.” He
looked down at his papers and
remained silent. Anfal had to
ask him to give her more
information. She cried in fear,
“Is it cancer?”He did not
look at her, but a cloud of
sadness covered his face. It was
as if he was sentencing her to
death.She said in a broken
voice, “I am finished then.”
The doctor knew then that she
had lied, but it was too late to
hide the truth. He looked kindly
at her and said, “I am sorry
for you. Why did you lie?
Anyway life and death are
matters within Allah’s power.
Many sick people live long and
many healthy ones die.”Anfal
felt as if she were drowning, as
if a hard fist was cruelly
squeezing her heart. She tried
hard to regain her strength and
said, “I do apologize. Thank
you doctor.”
The doctor encouraged her
saying, “Be strong and
optimistic. Medical science is
constantly progressing. Some
of today’s incurable
sicknesses can be cured
tomorrow I still have hope.
Leave me your telephone
number.” She repeated the
number automatically without
knowing what she was saying.
Feeling great shock and
bitterness, she again thanked
the doctor and left.
At home she kept the truth to
herself. She did not know how
to share it. Anyway, everyone
was busy, getting ready for the
party. Her mother asked,
“Have you been to the
doctor? Why did not you go to
the hairdresser?” It was just a
by-the-way question, needing
no answer. She briefly said, “I
am not going to the
party !”She went upstairs into
her room and locked the
door.She stretched out on her
bed fully clothed and listened
to her family’s voices, as if
they were coming from a far
away place. The wind seemed
to her to be a funeral sad tune,
lamenting her approaching
death. The bedroom seemed
strange to her as she would be
leaving it soon. What about the
house? It would not remember
her. She was just a guest.
Others would take her room
and soon forget her. She tried
to cry but tears did not help.
She looked around her in pain.
Those curtains that she had
tried so hard to get, would stay
after her. It would not have
mattered if they had been
made of the roughest fabric,
she would leave them for
others. She wished she had not
troubled herself for such
things. She wished she had
saved her time and money for
more useful things, which
could have been helpful to her
in her difficulty.She wondered,
“What is useful to me?”
She was young, beautiful and
rich with everything her heart
could desire. Could anything
help her and save her from
death? She had always longed
for an official job with a good
salary. She had it, but could it
save her from death?An idea
struck her. She hurried to the
phone while everyone was
away. She dialed the doctor’s
number and asked eagerly, “If
I travel abroad can I find a
cure?”He said, “There is
nothing new abroad. It is a
waste of money.”She put the
phone down and sat on a
nearby chair.Her salary would
not change matters.
She walked through the
house’s rooms as if saying
her farewells. She paced the
small garden and looked at the
trees. She whispered, “I wish
these trees knew I am leaving
them, those stones, walls…I
wish these doors knew my
hands will soon no longer open
them. I wish those flowers,
that I planted and watered
knew. How often the thorns
and hard stones tore my hands!
How often I watered those
dying flowers with my tears
when there was no water. I
wish they knew the meaning of
my departure. These fruiting
trees were tiny when I planted
them. I did my best to help
them flourish until they grew
up healthy and fruitful. Will
they know I am soon leaving?
Will they remember my days in
their company? What about
these seats, I used to rest on.
Will they miss my presence?
Will they be ready for someone
else to settle on them? My
writing desk felt my writing in
tears and in smiles, does it
know I am leaving? Will it miss
my pen and papers in its
drawers?
I wish they all knew I am
leaving. I wish I had known I
was leaving, then I would not
have cared so much for this
life. I would not have felt proud
and arrogant…Had I known I
were a guest in this world I
would not have been cheated
or tempted by its luxuries…
Had I known this I would have
been aware that leaving a
simple life is easier than leaving
a luxurious one… Had I lived a
simple life, I would not have
found it difficult to cross from
this world to the next. My
family is now enjoying the
party…how often I longed for
such parties, how much I cared
for fashion and hairstyles! Can
they help me now?”
Anfal threw herself down on
the nearest chair as if she had
realized a truth previously
unknown to her. She said,
“What shall I take with me?
Nothing but the coffin and my
deeds. What kind of deeds will
go with me on my long
journey? Nothing! Yes,
nothing!” She remembered
her friend Sarah, who used to
advise her and guide her to the
right path of Allah.
She used to remind her of the
Qur’anic verse: …
and make
provision, for the provision is
the guarding of oneself.
(AI-
Baqarah:239)
She had never considered the
importance of good deeds.
Now she was in need of such
deeds to present to Allah. She
would stand to give her
account, but what would she
say? How could she expect
Allah’s mercy when she
disobeyed His orders? How
could she ask for forgiveness
when she never even thought
of obeying Him in her life’s
affairs? She wished she had
read the Holy Qur’an instead
of all those cheap novels. She
wished she had gained some
knowledge of her religion
instead of reading film-star
magazines. She continued
wishing she had done few
things, and not done other
things. She wished she had not
angered this person or that,
and had never lied or gossiped
about anyone. She wished she
had not been proud and
despised the poor.
She said, “I wish I could start
my life all over again to make-
up for my errors and to obey
Allah’s orders. I worshipped
my desires and ignored my
Creator. I wish I could live for a
while to make up for my
sins.”
She remembered a Qur’anic
verse, her grandfather used to
recite:
Until when death
overtakes one of them he says:
Send me back, my Lord. Haply I
may do good in that which I
have left. By no means! It is a
mere word that he speaks, and
before them is a barrier until
the day they are raised. (AI-
Mominoon:99)
Here she said, “Oh God, I do
mean it…”
Tears burst from her eyes. She
cried bitterly in repentance, not
pain. She decided to obey Allah
in all His orders if she lived a bit
longer. The phone rang and she
walked towards it lazily. Tears
in her eyes she said, “Yes?”
Someone said, “Can I speak to
Miss Anfal?” She knew the
speaker. It was her doctor.
She said, “Yes,
speaking.”The doctor said
cheerfully, “Congratulations
my daughter! There is nothing
wrong with you. Thank God!”
She was stunned with surprise.
She did not know what to say.
“No disease? How? You are
joking, doctor!”
The doctor said, “May Allah
protect me I am not joking. I
have just got an apology from
the analyst. He explained that
there was a mix-up with the
names. Your name was written
instead of someone else. I have
your medical report here in
front of me. You are quite well.
Be thankful to Allah my
daughter.”
Excitedly she said, “Thanks be
to Allah, Thank you doctor.”
She put the phone down,
feeling as if she was new born.
She knew she was safe for a
while, but death would
certainly come one day. She
had no time to waste. However
long she lived she was a guest.
The first thing she did was to
perform her prayer, which she
had neglected for a long time.
She promised Allah to obey His
orders to pray, fast, and stick
to wearing decent clothes. She
would also give up whatever
Allah had forbidden. In order
not to forget this, she wrote
the Qur’anic verse on a
placard and hung it on the wall.
On the other side she wrote a
wise saying:
“Repent the day before you
die. Because you do not know
when you will die, then always
be repentant.”

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